My Querenica is the dance floor. As I walk into the room, I hear my favorite song playing and I run like I'm getting chased by a bull dog towards the dance floor. While rushing to get a spot on the dance floor, I see a variety of people, some short, some tall, some of them are wearing dresses, others are wearing shorts and a t-shirt.
When I finally get on the dance floor, I go all out! Me and my friends do the dougie, the cat-daddy and fist pumping. "Im gunnah fist pump till my hand falls off!" Said, Kassidy and I. We shouted the lyrics to the songs as well as the other people. As we dance, we see a mob full of people running to the dance floor and they look like their faces are morphed as they cool, air con blows their faces like a balloon.
But, as soon as they rush on in, I get away from the crowd because the scent the smell of juicy, barbeque ribs, smoky huli huli chicken and other entrees catch my attention. I run between the tables as the cool air brushes against my face and grab a plate and start chowing down on the ono food. After I wipe my lips with the nicely and delicately folded napkin, i approach the dance floor until they played a slow song.
I sat back down at my table, alone, no one to talk to, bored out of my mind. I decided to leave until someone finally asked me to dance. I had a big smile almost 10 feet wide! Our dance got ruined because the DJ played a energetic, fist pumping song.
All in all, every night always ends good with a top hit song.
I was able to visualize your place.
ReplyDeleteYou have good sensory details such as "the smell of juicy, barbeque ribs, and smoky huli huli chicken." You have used good word choice, which made this essay easy to visualize.
I agree with Skylar about all the good sensory details, especially when you're tlaking about food. Yum. I really like the line "I run like I'm getting chased by a bull dog". That's a funny quirky little simile and I like that. There's a couple of things I would reccomend fixing though. Don't start off your essay with "My querenica is...." because that's telling the reader straight out and it's more interesting if you *show* them. You should tell more about how the dance floor and dancing in general made an impact on your life. There's just a little bit of grammar things to fix but you can fix them in the next draft. But overall, I liked how much voice you put in this essay and I could really tell it was you speaking. Good job(:
ReplyDeleteHi Taira,
ReplyDeleteI agree with your teammates that you've got some good sensory detail here. And I think Eryn's recommendation about describing the dance floor more is accurate. I don't agree about the bull dog, though. Aren't you eager to get to the dance floor? I'm not sure being chased by a bull dog is an effective simile for your purpose.
I also think you need more specifics about the place. It actually sounds as if you're describing an event more than a place? Keep in mind that the querencia is not just a place you like...it is a place that nurtures you and allows you to be more of yourself.
mrs s